Chapter 10

Legend has it that when a person is about to die, a revolving lantern of their life will flash before their eyes, reviewing their entire existence.

Looking back on my twenty-three years, I saw my parents, whom I hadn’t seen in ages, and the landlord who bullied me. I was too young at eight; those memories flashed by in an instant. Next came Ji Wenmu—various versions of Ji Wenmu.

I knew very well that letting go of fifteen years of feelings would inevitably bring pain akin to cutting off my own flesh. I was far from being as free and easy as I imagined, able to just let go whenever I wanted. Yet at this moment, my mind was truly unprecedentedly clear.

I liked Ji Wenmu because, when I most needed a sense of security, he made a promise to me in the posture of a protector. But the truth was, he had a more important person to protect.

In Ji Wenmu’s heart lay the rivers and mountains, the greater good, and the person he wanted to protect. He wasn’t trapped in the petty realm of romance, obsessing over whether we were just “brothers.”

Neither was I.

It was a pity I wasted fifteen years. Now that I had finally figured it out, it was already too late.

I had thought about how I would die.

My mother always told me to protect myself, but after she was forced to death, I didn’t even have the freedom to walk out of the landlord’s woodshed. At that time, I thought I would probably starve to death in that place filled with nothing but firewood and rats.

After going to the battlefield, I thought I could die at any moment beneath a blade or a spear, dying on the battlefield.

After returning to the capital, I thought perhaps I would live peacefully and die of old age.

The result was entirely out of my expectations. It was a bit stifling.

…

When I opened my eyes, I truly thought I was dead.

A handsome young master woke me up. His eyes were clear, as if filled with water.

“General Liu.”

He called me, and I remembered who he was. He was the young doctor who wanted to walk me back to my manor.

I opened my mouth, but only harsh, unpleasant sounds came out.

He told me, “General, your throat was injured. Do not speak for these next few days. Rest well, and you will be able to speak again in the future.”

He changed the dressing on my neck and fed me water, his movements extremely practiced.

I pulled his hand over and wrote on his palm, “Why is it you?”

Wasn’t I at the hunting grounds? Even if I was rescued, it should have been imperial physicians treating me.

He seemed ticklish, his fingers curling a few times. “I heard the General was injured, so I came to the manor to visit. The imperial physicians were all at their wits’ end, but I wanted to try.”

His medical skills were this formidable?

Perhaps reading my eyes, he smiled shyly. “I was once abducted into a bandit lair. Their boss kept me around to treat their illnesses and injuries. They lived on the edge of a knife, and having treated so many of them, I have a little experience with this kind of trauma.”

I wrote to him again, “Thank you.”

He shook his head. “I will go call Madam Ji and Little General Ji.”

Before he could get up, I held him back. He looked back at me, puzzled. I glanced around. The layout of this place was very familiar to me, yet also alien. Stroke by stroke, I wrote on his palm, “Where is this?”

He looked confused for a moment, then furrowed his brow. “General Liu, this is your manor.”

When Aunt Ji came to see me, her eyes were red and swollen. She hugged me and cried her heart out, regretting that she shouldn’t have let me join the army. I struggled to pop my head out and met Ji Wenmu’s gaze.

He remained silent. After meeting my eyes for a second, he lowered his own.

Liang Ji said from the side, “Madam Ji, General Liu’s injuries are gradually healing, but…”

Everyone looked at him.

“She seems to have forgotten some things.”

“Forgotten things? Forgotten what?” Aunt Ji looked at me. “Min-min, do you still remember me?”

I nodded.

Liang Ji said, “She hasn’t forgotten most things, but she forgot this is her manor, when she moved in, and why she moved in. These she doesn’t remember. There might be other things, but since General Liu cannot speak right now, it is still unclear.”

Aunt Ji hugged me and started crying again.

I actually didn’t feel much. Forgetting things didn’t seem important anyway, so I comforted Aunt Ji instead.

After Aunt Ji and Liang Ji left, Ji Wenmu didn’t leave. He came to the side of my bed but didn’t say a single word.

It made me wonder whether I was the mute or he was.

I tugged on his sleeve and wrote on his hand, “What exactly happened?”

I saw his Adam’s apple bob. His voice was extremely low and hoarse, as if he hadn’t spoken for a long time.

“There were remnants of treacherous factions in the court. They planted their people among the guards.”

I nodded. Shifting slightly, my neck still hurt, so I frowned and hissed.

He suddenly raised his hand. His index finger approached my cheek, hovering just short of touching.

“A’min.”

He finally withdrew his hand, his voice trembling. “It should have been me eating that piece of chicken, me being drugged, me…”

I wrote stroke by stroke on his palm, “This isn’t your fault.”

He crouched down, his tall frame suddenly shrinking. Leaning against the head of my bed, he buried his face in the hand I had been writing on. I felt my palm gradually growing wet.

He really was regressing. I hadn’t seen him cry in seven or eight years. Since when did he become this fragile? Besides, I wasn’t even dead yet.

“You almost died right before my eyes.”

He spoke softly, his tone filled with deep lingering fear and self-blame. “I actually couldn’t save you.”

I pulled my hand out, took his palm, and wrote, “Your duty is to protect His Majesty.”

Thinking for a moment, I continued writing, “From the moment I decided to join the army, I put life and death out of my mind.”