Chapter 4

Sensing my gaze, Ji Wenmu hurriedly covered his neck. I watched as he fled as if his pants were on fire. The memories from when I was drunk grew clearer and clearer. The scenes were vivid, the voices still ringing in my ears, and even my lips seemed to retain…

The sensation.

I touched my lips. Despite the summer heat, a wave of cold washed over me. I couldn’t help but mutter, “I’m doomed.”

My fifteen years of hidden longing had been completely spilled by a few jars of wine.

How was he going to look at me from now on? He clearly had someone else in his heart. How was I supposed to face this?

Moving my hand from my lips to my forehead, I closed my eyes, wishing I could shrink into a turtle shell.

A passing maid came to check on me. I waved her off, stood up, my body swaying slightly.

Before I could even sort out my own thoughts, I found myself walking in the direction Ji Wenmu had fled.

The moment he saw me, he stumbled and tried to run again. I cut him off. “Wait a second. I have something to say to you.”

He pulled taut like a fully drawn bowstring, looking at me warily. “Say what?”

I opened my mouth, only to find I had lost my voice. I couldn’t make a sound.

“If you’re not going to talk, I’m leaving.”

I grabbed his sleeve, struggling to force the words out.

“I remembered… that day I was drunk… I was, I was highly offensive…”

Fighting the urge to run away, I forced myself to stare at his face, though my eyes kept uncontrollably darting to that bite mark. The shape was neat and full—my teeth were quite nice.

I mentally spat on myself. Focus on the matter at hand!

“If you mind being bitten,” I rolled up my sleeve, “you can bite me back.”

He reacted as if facing a mortal enemy. Before I even finished untying my cuff, his hand clamped down, sliding from my elbow to my wrist. He moved so fast that by the time I realized what was happening, all that was left was a burning sensation on my forearm where he had pressed down.

“Watch yourself! You’re a girl, how can you go around baring your arms in broad daylight?”

I froze for a moment. His phrase, “I almost forgot you were even a woman,” echoed in my mind.

A hint of joy bubbled up from the bottom of my heart. “Don’t you treat me like a man?”

“After getting kicked by you, how would I dare? Wouldn’t you kick me until I’m crippled?”

That little bit of joy vanished without a trace.

The cowardice that had haunted my heart for years floated back up. The confession that had just barely begun to form on my lips was nearly suppressed again.

“There’s one more thing. The things I said after I got drunk.”

My voice was very quiet, but he reacted as if stung, violently shuddering.

“You had too much to drink, I…”

“It was true.”

I raised my eyes, looking straight into his, giving him no chance to evade.

“My liking you… is true.”

Learning martial arts was for you, going to the battlefield was for you, and truly liking you—none of it was drunken nonsense.

I had practically become your shadow, but was it because shadows are under your feet that you could never see me?

I said that simple sentence as if it were nothing, but only I knew how fast my heart was beating.

Ji Wenmu looked even more uncomfortable than I did. From being exposed to the sun and wind all day, he didn’t have the fair skin of a pampered young master, but even so, I could see he was blushing from his face all the way down to his neck. He looked up at the sky, down at the ground, anywhere but at me.

After a long period of receiving no response, the feeble flame in my heart flickered in the wind and was soon blown out. I started trying to figure out how to smooth things over.

Tell him it was just drunken babble?

Laugh at him for actually taking it seriously?

Tell him, how could I possibly like him?

Any of those would be better than just standing here awkwardly.

These thoughts swirled in my head, but I couldn’t spit out a single word. I just kept looking at him.

After hesitating for a long time, Ji Wenmu avoided my eyes. He looked incredibly at a loss. “I’ve only ever treated you as a brother…”

It was the result I had expected.

I told myself I could handle it and let it go. I wanted to pat his shoulder to show I didn’t care, but my hand was shaking uncontrollably, so I had to hide it behind my back.

“I know.”

I raised my foot and gave the tip of his shoe a light kick. “Then we’re still brothers. Don’t worry. Since you have no feelings for me, then let’s forget it. Don’t feel pressured.”

I held it in for fifteen years because I was afraid that if I spoke, we wouldn’t even be able to be brothers anymore. But one drunken night, and fifteen years of effort went down the drain.